Accepting

I've decided that I must have been over confident in heaven about accepting all the different trials I was going to have to face here on earth. I must have somehow known that I would be able to get through them. Because man I've already been through so much in my 31 years of life. And I tell you what; after being diagnosed with Leukemia, I'll be honest and say that I hope I don't have any more big surprise trials for at least a little while. I think I need a get out of trials free card or something. 

I was listening to music as I was walking the halls of the hospital the other day. I created a play list that has empowering songs that I can listen to while I go through this difficult and often draining time. The song Brave by Sara Bareilles started playing. For those of you who don't know, the song is about being brave enough to speak your mind, brave enough to be seen and heard by a world that doesn't always want you to be. I kind of took in the lyrics of the song with a bit of a different meaning. 

The main phrase in the song is 'Say what you want to say, and let the words fall out. Honestly, I want to see you be brave'. 

I heard that and I thought, I've been trying so hard, so dang hard to be brave through my cancer diagnosis and beginning of treatment this last month. However, I've been being brave for others more than for myself. I've kind of let myself become numb. I want everyone to think I am ok, and doing well, which honestly I really am doing alright all things considered. I want to be brave for my husband, who's terrified of the unknown of my cancer and who needs his wife and best friend. I want to be brave for my three little girls who don't fully understand what's going on and still need their mommy. I want to be brave for my siblings who still need their older sister; and for my parents who still need their oldest daughter. 

But truthfully I haven't been brave for myself. I haven't been brave enough to let myself stop and really feel all the emotions that I've shoved down. I need to be brave enough to let myself cry and be angry and frustrated and sad and sometimes, a little bit lonely. Those are really difficult emotions for me to feel. And they're scary, because if I feel them, it means I'm vulnerable and raw, and that's hard for me to be around others. I'm the one who keeps it all together. I always want to be the strong one. 

But here's the thing; it is going to be much healthier for me to be vulnerable; to let others help me get through this emotionally. I need to lean on others' shoulders and as the song says, 'let my words fall out' and just be ok to feel. To open my heart and let the emotion pour out. I know it will help me get through this a lot better than keeping it all bottled up inside. Letting my emotions show, wearing my heart on my sleeve for a bit, is brave. Asking for help is brave. Calling someone up and telling them I need to vent is brave. I can let others be there for me; that's brave. 

Here I am, writing this post and being more open and vulnerable. Cancer is an awful thing to be diagnosed with and to go through. And it makes me mad we've had to go through it a second time in our 11 years of marriage. And I never would have guessed in a million years that at 31, I would get this disease. 

So as I sit in my hospital bed feeling all these emotions, I know I also feel so so blessed. We have seen many tender mercies through this journey so far. One of the biggest ones being that I got sick while in Utah and have been able to have so much help from our amazing family and friends. We absolutely could NOT do this without them. Words can't even begin to explain our gratitude. 

I'm very grateful I had the prompting to go into the ER and have things checked out when I did. I just had this sinking feeling that something had to be wrong, and sure enough there was. I may have just ignored it for another month, and then I would have been in serious trouble. 

I am so grateful for all the support and love I have felt, and the wonderful things everyone has been doing to help our girls. I sure miss them. It's hard to be a mom from a hospital bed. 

And I am super grateful for modern medicine and all the amazing advances in cancer treatments there are now. My team of doctors and nurses have been wonderful and I'm glad to be in such a good hospital. 

Alright, let me step off my soap box for a second and give an update on how things are going and our next steps. 

I've finished what's called my induction chemo therapy; or my initial round of chemo. I was on chemo for a week, and then I have been in the hospital waiting for my body to heal from the chemo. The chemo completely destroyed my immune system, and so to protect me from infection, they've kept me in the hospital. 

I responded to the first round pretty well so far. Being on the chemo had its challenges, like fatigue and nausea and low appetite; but the doctors and nurses are so good at helping to keep on top of any side effects. But honestly, being off the chemo and letting my body recover has been worse than being on it. 

I've dealt with some severe bone pain, which was awful, I got typhlitis, or a colon infection which hasn't been fun, and then I've had fatigue to where I can't keep my eyes open. My appetite is still really poor- to where I have to force myself to eat. And then the saddest for me, has been loosing my hair. Watching my hair fall out in clumps and then having to shave it all off was depressing, and really made me feel like a cancer patient. I know it will grow back, and its just a trivial thing, but it's still hard. 

I am at a point now where my body is almost healthy enough for me to leave the hospital and get ready to head back to Wisconsin to continue treatment. I have a meeting with the doctors there on Aug 14th, and then I assume I will begin my consolidation rounds of chemo therapy shortly after that. 

As of now, I will have four more rounds of intense chemo, to make sure that we kill all of the cancer cells, in hopes that it won't come back and goes into remission. There is of course a chance the cancer could come back, and we are praying that doesn't happen, or that I won't end up needing a bone marrow transplant (The bone marrow is where my cancer resides essentially; its a cancer of the bone marrow or blood.) The scary truth is that there is only about a 50-60% chance that we will completely cure me of the cancer. That's a little bone chilling. 

I will have to stay in the hospital for 3-6 days a month while I get the round of chemo, and then I will recover at home the rest of the month; and then I'll do it all over again. I will most likely be doing this till the end of the year. And I will be closely watched over the next five years. This is a long journey that's not even near being over, so we need lots of continued prayers for our little family to get through this. 

I am feeling weak physically, but things seem to be going in the direction they need to, and my doctors are optimistic, so that makes me feel good. If we end up deciding we need to be closer to family to have extra help for the next few months, we may come back down to Utah and continue treatment here in Salt Lake City. But we want to give going home a shot. 

Thank-you to anyone and everyone who has been so gracious to our family and helping us out during this difficult time. We love and appreciate all of you. I am sure I will post again soon. 💝

Love, Carissa